“Oh…jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.” Her smile hadn’t fallen for sometime now. It was the well-known grin that graced her expression almost constantly. Even though she padded through a thick layer of fresh Christmas snow wrapped in nothing more than her worn, green, hooded sweatshirt and jeans to keep her warm, she sang. Her voice, laced with giggles and an almost child-like innocence brought the accompaniment of the few stray cats that littered Rhydin’s streets. Every one in a while, she’d stoop to scratch behind a cut ear or pet over rough fir.

“Oh what fun…” pausing, she gathered a handful of the white cold snow and clumped it together. The tightly packed snowball was held in her steady hand though it threatened to tremble at the sudden cold.
“It is to ride.” Slowly, she aimed. Lining up her shot, the white ball was chucked at a dog taunting a kitten stuck on a trash can. The mangy hound ran off leaving the tiny appreciative kitten to clumsily fall off the lid and into the snow.
“In a one-horse, open sleigh.” The sight only caused the small girl to giggle and continue on her way. The kitten was following her. She didn’t mind. It traipsed awkwardly through the snow at her heels. An obnoxious meow erupted in surprise every time the white powder swallowed the kitten whole. She always seemed to struggle her way back up to the surface and catch up with the sing-songy Valentine.

She was nearing the place now. She knew it the instant she turned the corner. This is where she always got the extra excitement. This last turn told her numerous times that she’d seen them both soon. Now, that wasn’t always the case but it still held true in her mind.

“Here comes Santa Clause. Here comes Santa Clause.” The baby behind her seemed to mew right along with her words. Val shoved her freezing hands in the pockets of her jeans and wiggled her fingers trying to achieve some sort of warmth. She could see his building from here. Instantly, her stare lifted.

Find his balcony. There it is.

The smile grew, if at all possible. It nearly dominated her small features. “Almost there, Kitty. You’ll love them. Well, Sin anyway. Sal might not think much of you.” In response, the cat purred and bound a few leaps to catch up.

“Right down Santa Clause lane,” mumbled as she found the balcony again. Wait. She stopped, abruptly. She was close enough she could cover the last few steps with a short jog. Less than a block stood between her and the distance to his door. Somethings not right. She just knew it. She felt it. Her confused stare lingered and she stood rigid. From her position, she couldn’t tell if the apartment was empty but she could tell the glass in the door to the balcony was shattered. The kitten stopped just beside her and mocked her stare as if the tiny little creature knew everything that was going on in Val’s head and she planned to find the answers for her.

Her steps picked up causing the kitten to struggle to match the distance she covered. It took a very short amount of time for the girl to climb the stairs and reach his door. Her tiny hand rapped hard at the door and silence followed. C’mon…c’mon. Open it up. No one answered. Not a sound came from the room even though she strained to hear anything. Just footsteps would suffice. The sound of someone moving inside, anything but there was nothing. Usually she took it that there simply weren’t home, or occupied. Today, she let herself in. If they were naked, so be it. If they were bathing in blood, she’d be witness to it. Instead, she found the empty apartment. Not just empty as if the owners had gone out for the evening. No, the place stood completely empty with the exception of a few pieces of furniture, one which had obviously been the cause of the busted glass. The entire room was freezing and snow had spilled through the broken door.

They took everything. How quick she was to say it had been the both of them. In her mind, it wasn’t just Sin. Sal had been a part of this too. Every single thing had been taken except…Kavi. The cat sneaked from her hiding place long enough to weave in and out of Val’s legs and she had only done that until the kitten snuck in the apartment a few moments later. Out of breath and stumbling, she headed straight for Kavi though the general excitement wasn’t returned. In fact the mother cat sneered and hissed at the tiny calico as if claiming both Val and the apartment as her territory.

Val took a few steps in a circle as if she might have missed something. Her normally bright green eyes searched. She searched anything. There had to be something still here. Her footsteps took her to the place the couch once sat as a bed for Kavi. It had been moved, though tossed was a better term. Her entire body had, at some point, started shaking. The cold wasn’t the only reason she trembled. Her knees buckled beneath her when the first crippling though settled. They’ve left me.

She collapsed. If there was such a thing as a lump of Val, she was it at this moment. She let her head roll forward. Alone. Sin and Sal had gone. There were others she loves but with Sin and Sal gone, she was empty. Nothing else seemed to matter. They’re gone.

They’re completely gone. Kavi held her ground but the kitten came to the rescue with nuzzling. To her, this was a wonderful opportunity to snuggle. Val paid her no mind and instead, sat in a heap on the floor. Her eyes had dulled, the bright green no longer visible through the tears that welled and spilled onto the floor. The silence was terrifying and only broken by her quiet sobs. When she leaned forward, her palms found the floor though it wasn’t the only discovery. Her left hand landed on a crumpled piece of paper, stained through with ink. Everything stopped as she quickly tugged at the wrinkled corners to pry it open. This was important. Surely this tiny scrap of paper would hold all the information she needed to find them. And the minute she knew where they were, she’d pack the few things she needed, shove Steals into his cage and drag him to his new home. The place Sal and Sin had chosen to run to. But the note left her empty.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses, and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

I'm sorry.

What did it mean? The kitten didn’t care. She just used it as something that might pet her until Val shooed her away with the wave of her hand. The black hair lingered in her eyes as she whipped her head around in search of anything that might tell her where they had gone. So far, she found nothing more than the note in her hand. A note that was completely…useless and confusing. Stifling the urge to throw a temper tantrum, she edged herself up from the floor. It wasn’t as easy as she’d thought and the weight her body now held nearly caused her to fall back to the floor. The tears continued, her smile refused to form and she, unlike anyone else would have, searched the cabinets and the drawers as if Sal or Sin might have simply been hiding from her. Her search took her out on the snow-covered balcony. The cold wind raped her small form but she ignored it. Her tears threatened to freeze to her cheeks but she ignored that too. Like it had been left there for her, she reached with frozen hands for the book that still lay on the window sill. A sharp wind shot past her and into the apartment. She hadn’t been prepared for the slamming door and though she didn’t jump, she did turn quickly in hopes that either of them were standing just there. Slow footsteps led her inside, book and pen both in her numb hands. She chose a corner of the room and with her back on the wall; she slumped down to the floor, her knees to her chest.

Please tell me where they are.

With shaking hands, she found the first page and she found the familiar handwriting instantly. She’d start there.

The first few scrawled words made no sense whatsoever to the small, cold girl. Of course, she was only skimming so it was possible she was missing the structure of it all. A few frustrated breaths and she thumbed to the very last page. It made sense to start with the most recent entry. This page, this one right here, should hold her answers.

Christmas is tomorrow.

With trembling fingers, she brushed the page smooth though there wasn’t a single wrinkle in it. The words begged to be read, to be understood. Val could only stare at them, afraid to read pass the first line. This would tell her where they were, why they’d gone. Or so she hoped. With her fingers tracing, her green eyes pushed through the words slowly.


oh, mi alma

Mi amor. Mi amor dulce. Mi hermano. Mi amante. Mi amigo.

When will you stop apologizing, you stupid idiot?

I hate how much I love you sometimes.

No. Pendejo. If only I could tell you-

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.

This is not what he wanted.

Fuck this. No. Siempre, remember?

I told you. Forever.

I'm not letting you quit that easy

Every single word was treated equally. She tasted each word, heard it in her thoughts as if he himself had been holding her in his arms reading it against her ear instead of leaving her with nothing more than a cold page of dried ink. At some point she’d sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and bit hard enough to bring the smallest drop of blood. Swallowing against it, she lowered the book.

“My Love. My sweet love.” She knew very little of his language but she knew those words and probably the rest he’d written in this entry. “For Sin.” What does it mean? “I’m not letting you quit that easy.” Repeating the words, she echoed them numerous times in her head. Sin was quitting, that much was pulled easily from the text. Why would Sin quit? Better yet, how would Sin quit?

None of it really made sense but from the last entry alone, she decided that Sin had left and Sal had gone after. That worked for her. They hadn’t gone together.

Christmas is tomorrow.

But neither of them would be there. The smallest glimmer of hope shined somewhere in her heart but the rest screamed they wouldn’t return by tomorrow. Val would spend Christmas alone even if that small hope insisted they would come home to her.

“Silly boys.” Though her words weren’t light and playful. Her tone was heavy with no one but Kavi and the newest baby kitten to hear it. The tiny calico stopped bothering the mother cat long enough to mew toward the heap of Val against the wall. Instantly, she was back to pouncing around Kavi. Maybe bringing home a playful kitten wasn’t such a good idea. Sal was sure to hate her.

Done with the first entry and having pulled all the information she could from it, she decided to start at the beginning again. The book was pulled closer to her chest as if it was the only thing left of either of them in the apartment. A cold sharp wind blew a few of the pages back and she continued its work by flipping to the first page again. Somehow, reading every single line would make things clearer, right? She thought so. Again, she found the first scribbled word and let her thumb trace it.

words to paper

paper to words

I should begin somewhere, no?

Yes. Perfect! He would explain. He would explain everything and by the time she finished the book, she’d understand. Perfect!

7 weeks since waking and no words to tell my tale. that's okay. these words are not for me anyway. they never were. these words were always for you –

Who?

My resurrection was carved in flesh. My gospel written in blood. The day I woke an organ was placed into my hand and I pulled it down into the ice that held me entombed. This I knew to be my heart, at least the physical structure of it. When I placed it in my chest, where it belonged, my blood began to flow again. And it burned.

Out of frozen earth I crawled. I dug through dirt and bones and climbed my way to the surface wasteland that is my mother's home. Her sanctuary. My tombstone had been forged of flesh and blood. Veins spiraled up toward the sky and shrouded me from the light of the morning sun. She poured herself into my grave. We traded places. I felt as if I should be waking, but the heavy feeling of sleep still clouded my senses.

I remember walking the land. I remember you shadowing my every step. I remember bathing in a pool of blood and sanctifying our home with fevered lust. The floor is still stained with the evidence of our crime.

She came to me as shadows do, part of this world but not. She spoke to me of shattered dreams and promises once made. Monsters cannot love monsters, I told her. I chased her away. You helped me chase her back to her prison of terror and darkness where she belonged. Time and time again we sent her back to her Keeper. I shouted lies at her under the light of street lamps. We paced circles as lions do and hissed challenges at each other. In the end I let her go.

I let her go. She asked me to. I dropped my heart in the street and left it there to collect dust. She became ash in the morning dark. I let her go.


The words were there. They even held a story that she could find meaning in. A frown settled on her expression. Why had the first time she read this story been her first time in knowing it at all?

He never told me. Never.

A thick, bitter wave of utter loneliness swept over her and she shivered against the cutting wind. This one entry told her so much that she’d never known happened. She’d been lost to this story. Protected from it, perhaps. Stifling the urge to slam shut the book; she swallowed against the lump in her throat and flipped the page. The back of her head found the cold wall behind it and for a moment she couldn’t bring herself to read another. What would she learn about him amongst these pages?

A tiny mew derailed her train of thought. The kitten needed a name. “You need a name.” It was all she could muster as the shivering thing called up into her lap and curled into a ball in the middle of the book. ‘Don’t read anymore’, those bright blue eyes staring up at her could have easily said. ‘Pet me’, said the tiny meow belonging to the stare. “I’m sorry I can’t think of one right now.” Her hands smoothed over the cat before pulling the book out from under her. At first the kitten fought for her spot until she fell into the semi-warm lap under the book. There, she curled and pretended to sleep. Val held the book tightly and started the next entry.

There are four of us now. Only two that you accept. Myself and our funny little Valentine. Oh yes. I know some music.

She stopped over her name and let her stare linger there as if the ink might drain from the page leaving it empty. She hated when people used her full name. There was something about it that stung at her nerves but reading it here, in his scrawled familiar writing made her smile perk at the corner of her lips. “Funny little Valentine,” she whispered toward the words. Interesting how those three little words spread warmth through her chest.

You collect people. So you say. So your written words proclaim. We are not so very different, you and I. Not everyone I collect you like, though. Why is that? They are not so very different from you and I. What do you see that I don't? Why do you let your eyes deceive you? I wonder -


We met for the first time in the middle of spring. It was May. Do you remember? I saw you in the sun as your kind should not be seen. My brother made a meal of you, with your permission. You took what was mine and made it part of your own. That's how I saw things then. He was mine and you meant to take him. I didn't know then that he had been yours already. Long before I came along.

You were the first person to talk to me as people do. You were the first to ask me questions instead of assuming you knew anything about me. Always people thought they knew me. Some people still do. But you were the first to ask instead of tell. We talked long into the afternoon.

I fell in love with you that day. Before I even knew your name.

It’s about Sin. Again she felt as if she was wrapped in his arms and he wasn’t gone. No, he was simply telling the story just at her earlobe. He was murmuring his most passionate memories and she was falling in love with the both of them all over again.

I fell in love with you that day.

Why did you leave, Sin?

The apartment was so very empty. The overturned couch and broken glass at her side made the place feel even more abandoned. Kavi had wandered to hide in the shade the couch offered and the kitten was asleep in her lap. Val reread the entry and closed her eyes after the last word. For a minute, she sat quietly. It was the only way to pretend that the apartment was still full of his things, of their things. She saw it full again. She felt it warm and inviting. There were familiar sounds, scents, and sights. She wasn’t alone. Sal and Sin were here.

Christmas…is tomorrow.

When her teary eyes opened, they were gone again. She was alone.

6. Siempre 6. Time has no meaning. So I put meaning into time. Write it one more time and I'll have the devil on my tail. Hah! No. There is no place for me there. No place for me in the devil's house.

What? Cue the wrinkling of her little nose as she tilted her head against the icy wall. No matter how many times she read this she couldn’t make sense of it. The next few words didn’t exactly help either.

"No se convierte," you said.

"No se preocupe," I told you. "Nunca lanzaría mi alma lejos."

Those were the wrong words. I mean what I say but don't always say what I mean. I shouldn't have said it like that. I'm sorry. It hurt to see your colors hurt you as my words did. I hope you can forgive me.

Mi alma. That she knew to mean my soul. The rest were lost to her. This was another of those times she silently cursed her tongue for not speaking the foreign language. Learn it. Sure the solution was simple but it would take time. Tonight, she didn’t have time. The sun was setting and though beautiful, it would soon leave her without light to read by. Maybe she’d be lucky enough to catch a high moon and a cloudless sky though her luck, as of recently, hadn’t been at its highest.

What did you sacrifice? What was the cost? Do you even remember the price, my love?

None of this makes sense. Frustrated, she finished the entry and nibbled at her lip while scanning the page again. Perhaps a second look over it might solve the puzzle behind the words. She knew better. Her journal was often written the same way. Words that hadn’t been written just to be easily picked apart by some random reader but to be understood and felt by someone he kept close. Sin would understand this entry. Val would have to pass it and hope to understand someday. Until now, she hadn’t noticed the odd shade of purple her fingers were adapting. When she went to peel the corner of the page from the next, she paused and noticed. Choosing to ignore it, she flipped the page and continued.

I'm sorry for what I did. Was it right of me to force it all on you like that? Right or wrong, I do not regret the choice I made. Some day I hope that you will see. Some day I hope that you will remember. There is good in you. I've seen it. I've spoken to it. I've held it in the palm of my hand. You will too. Some day -

"I don't know who I am anymore," you said.

You are -

All that you were. All that you are. All that you will be. You are the past, the present, and the future. You are all these things, and they make you beautiful.

You did not let me explain. Though I've never been good at explaining much of anything. Letters form words that get scrambled into nonsense when they leave my head through my mouth. I say the wrong things. Never what I mean to say. Never my intention. It all gets lost in translation.

What did he tell you? If I ask you is it too much? How much can you handle? I see the truth tearing you apart on the inside and the outside. What I did was meant to heal you, my love, not break you more than you already are. But now I've done too much. If I do anything more you'll shatter. I can't lose you. Not you. I can't let you go as I did her. Even if you asked me, I couldn't. I won't. You are too beautiful to throw away.

Please. Don't close your eyes.

You. Her. She knew the first. She had a rather good guess for the second. This entry makes about as much sense as the last, Sal. Spoken as if he were just next to her while she read pieces of him. It occurred to her that maybe she shouldn’t be reading this. These were, after all, his thoughts. They were his feelings strewn upon pages even if they had been left on a cold balcony to ruin. Lowering his journal, she closed her eyes and wished for some sort of comfort. The poor kitten might have had her feelings hurt with such a request. She was giving Val the most comfort a kitten could; she was using her as a pillow. That should be more than enough if you ask a kitten.

Valentine fumbled the pages, turning to his next written piece. She tried to read it quickly only to slow and start all over.

Morning will rise soon. The sun is always either rising or setting when I put words to paper. I take thoughts and transform them into words. I place them on paper and they become empty. Once I put more into such pages. Pieces of my soul, scattered on sheets of paper. Bound and buried. Hidden away like your soul.

The wince overtook her stare of concentration. The last line snapped at her fiercely, as a father might a child for ruining an expensive outfit before an important party. She cringed and swept past the line quickly as to ignore it. His words had been hidden away and now here she sat reading each and every one of them. Whether she knew it or not, she was swimming through pieces of his soul and seeing fragments of him that he’d kept secret from even her.

She hunched over the book, her hair falling over it as well. Though it was likely she wouldn’t know much about the rest of the entry either, she continued to read it.

Beware the prey who smiles. Tell him not your name. I told him my name.

Beware the prey who smiles. Tell him not your name. The words would follow her, stay with her. Simple how she’d read them and they stuck, stood out. It was a quote she would, no doubt, use at some point in the days ahead. For some odd reason, she enjoyed the phrase. Tucking it away, she went back to the words. Again, her purple finger moved to trace each line. Painstakingly slow, she breathed each word into the air around her only to have it smoke over and fall to not a single ear.

“Kin, he calls himself. Simple name for a not so simple man. She trusts him. I do not. No. Trust is something earned, not given. He hasn't earned my trust. Not yet. He plays a dangerous game.”

Who doesn’t? The thought was sarcastic but she didn’t bite it back. Instead, she leaned back and shivered against the freezing wind that shot through the apartment. The sun was gone. It had lowered past the horizon and left her sitting in a now dark room. Time hadn’t been an issue until now.

Closing the book, she hugged it to her chest and worked her frozen limbs enough to stand. The kitten grumbled her protest but slid from the girls lap to wait. Without a word to the calico, Val headed for the overturned couch causing Kavi to dart out from under it. Sal had bounced it perfectly so that it sat to the side of the balcony doors forming an almost tent-like structure. No second thoughts and no search for blankets or sheets, she knelt. With the kitten on her heels, Val crawled under the couch and onto the cushions that had fallen to the floor. Here, the wind couldn’t bite as hard and though still cold, she curled into a ball. The kitten soon found a place just at her head, purred and made herself comfortable after a few chews on the girls hair. It didn't take the kitten long to fall asleep. Val, on the other hand, lay quiet under the protection of the couch. Her thoughts paced back and forth and tears laced her green eyes. Easily, 2 hours passed before, with Sal’s book hugged to her chest, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

Christmas is tomorrow.

“What would you like for Christmas?"

"Nothing."

"Then I suppose you'll be upset when I get you something."

"Don't get me anything."

"I'm getting you something."

"Fine. If you must get me something... Help me get Sin a Camaro."

She should have woken to the sounds of gentle breathing next to her ear. She should have been lazily cuddled beneath blankets, warm in their embrace. There should have been a face, a neck or even a chest she could have snuggled into when the morning came to wake her. Her hands would have wandered before finding the small of someone’s back and either rubbing or scratching there. She wouldn’t have been able to stop smiling. That’s how it felt. That’s how it should have felt this morning.

Instead, her eyes refused to open to the light that had penetrated even her little fortress beneath the couch. They ached. Instead of warm bodies, she found herself curled against the seat of the couch when she pushed her face forward to nuzzle a neck. There was nothing to wrap her arm around, no back to rub. The frown was instant. No warm bed held her but at least the cushions beneath her hadn’t moved except the one that had somehow gotten lodged at her feet, blocking the entrance to her fort from one end. Luckily she was small enough to fit on what was left.

It had been the light to wake her. That or the constant batting to the nose she received from the playful kitten. When she finally forced her eyes open, there sat the little fur ball, head tilted and curious expression staring at her. Another paw to the nose and Val closed her eyes again. She remembered.

Merry Christmas, Valentine.

There were no smells of someone baking cookies in the kitchen or sounds of Christmas carols being sung by a fire. The fire would have been greatly appreciated though. Val’s small body trembled as it had through the entire night. The only part that had held any warmth was her hands that she’d lodged beneath her arms and the spot the kitten had chosen to sleep, partially on her head.

She groaned, and only curled more into a ball. The kitten decided the moving hair was enough reason to pounce the girls head and though Val never moved to fight back, the cat slowed to chew at her black strands. Apparently the first pounce was enough to kill it and now the only thing left was to eat it.

Only a few short minutes passed before Val forced herself up. Lying here all day wouldn’t get anything done. Not that she had a huge list of things to do. To the protesting meows of the kitten, Val crawled herself out from under the couch and struggled to stand. Every limb ached and complained from having to sleep in the cold. Her expression saddened. The small hope that they might have returned was shattered with one glance about the apartment. No one was there. No one but a very cold, very sad Valentine.

“Merry Christmas, kitty.” She wouldn’t cry. She absolutely refused to cry right now. Instead, she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat and hugged Sal’s journal to her chest. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Christmas was supposed to be merry and happy. At least, that’s how she had hoped to spend this one. She had every intention of waking up early, cooking for the three of them and then watching their expressions as they got their presents. That was the part she had been excited about. She wanted to make a memory. One they would all remember. Now she was left with this. Nothing was going right. Frustrated, she headed for the bathroom. 2 minutes later, she came back out more annoyed than when she went in.

“You were supposed to be asleep still.” Her tone grumbled past trembling lips. It couldn’t be past 7:00AM. “Both of you.” She might have gone as far as to keep them up late just to see them sleep later. With heated steps, she headed toward the balcony doors, ignoring the snow that had piled into the apartment and the instant cold that bit at her features when she stepped outside. “There! See?” Unfortunately, she was ranting to absolutely no one. Leaning over the balcony she whimpered and pursed her lips when the tears started again.

“Got here this morning. It cost more than money and…I worked so hard for the damned thing and now you’re not even here to get it. Sal wanted you to have this. It was his idea and I know…that it would have made you both happy.”

Her whispers drifted down with the snow and into the street. There, with a big silver bow on the roof, sat the gorgeous purple 1969 Camaro. It was Sal’s idea. Val had just made sure it happened. She wanted to remember this Christmas. Now there was no way she would ever forget it. For a while, she just stared at the gift. All her hard work, all the favors she had to do to get the car flooded her thoughts. The night Sal had told her about it, she’d been determined. Sin would have the car if it was the last thing she did. She’d been successful but no one was here to give it to. Well, it couldn’t stay there all day. A car like that was meant for safekeeping. That’s something she’d have to do today.

“I would have made breakfast. A big breakfast.” She sunk down into the snow on the balcony. In no time at all, the snow had melted into a cold liquid that soaked the knees of her jeans but she made no effort to move. Her forehead found the railing and her lids slid closed. The book was kept close to her chest like it was the only piece left of them. “Woke you up and…” When her words broke, she stopped and bit her lip hard. No matter how hard she tried to pretend they were still here, she couldn’t. The wind was too cold. The apartment; too empty. And Val was too lonely to pretend that everything was okay.

“Damn you, Sin.” Words that were whimpered only to herself. “Damn you.”